Hello Sunshine, how have you been? How was your Valentine’s Day? Hopefully, you spent the day doing what you truly wanted to do or practicing some self-care from last week’s guide.
I have been doing good. I have felt good and have been spending a lot of time with my family. Spending time with all my loved ones has been one of my year’s biggest highlights so far, considering we had a rough start this year. So I appreciate them more than ever, despite the distance caused by this whole pandemic.
Today I am posting something slightly different, something a bit more personal, maybe way too personal… even for me. However, I feel like my heart needs me to do this, so I’m going with it.
Table of contents
What is something you’ve always wanted to say
A few weeks ago, I read a book that asked a question that left me thinking about many things. Even more so, a person. We’ll call this person J for the sake of this post. Anyway, J and I met back when we were 12 years old and became friends who stuck together until we were 18. Six wonderful years of memories. J soon became one of my best friends, and drifting away from him is one of the experiences that has hurt the most up until this day. It has hurt so badly I’ve ignored the pain for years… up until now. Today I am finally acknowledging how important J was in my life.
I’m telling you all of this so you understand where I am going with the open letter I am posting today. I’m asking you to please bear with me while I put myself out in the open with so many new emotions and buried memories.
As I mentioned, one question awakened all this, and I’m sharing it with you before we dive right into my letter. The simple yet powerful question was this: what is something you’ve always wanted to say but didn’t?
There it is. While you think about your answer to that question, I’ll leave you with my answer.
An open letter to a once best friend
My dearest J,
I know that you probably hate that I am so corny by writing you a letter. Throughout our six years of friendship, you only wrote me one letter when we graduated from middle school, and I bet it was a hard thing to do for you. But, if I am doing this, it’s because you know this is how I express myself the best… and because I am corny, and you know it.
You always hated it, the fact that I was like that. You used to say I needed to be tougher; otherwise, people were bound to break my heart easier. I never listened.
An open apology
That’s why I would like to start this letter by saying how sorry I am that I never took your advice seriously.
I understand now that you were always trying to protect me by helping me mature and making me able to take care of myself. No matter how much I thought you were being mean, I should’ve known you were saying what you were saying for a reason. You were never afraid to hurt my feelings because you were always confident you were doing what was best for me. And you truly were, but I couldn’t see it that way up until now.
So I am sorry for that.
For what it’s worth, your words of advice echo in my head up until these days and have helped me a lot through life.
Do you know what else I am sorry for? I am sorry for pushing you out of my life like you meant nothing when you meant everything in reality. It was not your fault what happened. I couldn’t make you pick a side on the stupid fight I had with our other best friend. I chose for you. He was your best friend too, and you didn’t have to pick anyone over him.
If I had to make a list of all the things you’ve helped me through so I could thank you, it would be endless. But… do you remember that time we were in a bookstore, and I got mad at you for implying I was way too sensitive ever to find a guy to like me the way I was?
I was so mad at you I cried.
Our other best friend was so confused about what was happening and thought I was crying because you had hurt my feelings.
Well, at the time, I thought that too. Yet now I realize I was crying because I couldn’t believe how brutally honest you were.
So if I thanked you for one thing, it would be for always being so honest with me. True, you were tactless at times, but you wouldn’t have been J if you weren’t.
If I got a bonus and could thank you for a second thing, it would be for giving me six wonderful years of memories and loving me so unconditionally. I’m sorry I didn’t see it sooner.
Speaking of love
I should have seen it sooner. I should have said it sooner.
I love you.
Okay… I don’t love you right now, but I loved you. Back then. I loved you so much I wouldn’t have been able to bear losing you if things had gone wrong by involving romantic feelings into the equation. That’s why I ran away from you whenever I could, why it was easier and simpler to help you fix your love life when things got messy instead of facing my feelings for you.
I’m sorry I never told you. You had the right to know. After all, you were always honest with me.
If I am saying this now, it is not because I expect anything in return. I mean, we haven’t seen each other in nearly seven years, seven versus six, distance winning. I am saying it because even if I haven’t seen you in years, there is a part of me that will always be yours. You have that part of the heart reserved for the first love. It’s yours.
To wrap this up
J, I hope one day life gives us the chance to meet again. I hope I can give you one last hug full of all the love I’ll always hold for you. I hope one day I dare to show you this post so you can get an idea of what has been truly going through my mind when it comes to you.
For now, I’ll say I hope you are having a good life and have found all the happiness we both know you deserve.
P.S. What is always you’ve always wanted to say but didn’t?Be #AmazingwithAG and join my newsletter!